A couple of days back, actor Hrithik Roshan joined his former wife Sussanne Roshan and sons Hridhann and Hrehaan on a New Year break to Dubai. What made this holiday all the more heartwarming, was that he was accompanied by his current partner Saba Azad. On the other hand, Sussanne was accompanied by beau Arslan Goni, whom she has been seeing for many years. Not only that, alleged former couple Nargis Fakhri and Uday Chopra too joined them, painting the perfect pic of a modern, blended family.
While we often hear reports of relationships going kaput in tinsel town, most former couples chose to put their individual differences aside after the separation, and revert to being cordial with their (former) better halves, if not necessarily turning friends. Most of them have kids, and instead of subjecting their children to an unhappy home with two parents, they take the brave decision of giving the child two separate, but happy homes. Whether it is Hrithik Roshan-Sussane Khan, Malaika Arora-Arbaaz Khan, Arjun Rampal-Mehr Jesia, Farhan Akhtar- Adhuna Bhabani, Aamir Khan-Reena Dutta/Kirao Rao, they all maintain cordial relations with their former spouse, and co-parent their kids. Let’s dive deeper…
Is it easy to strike that equation?
No matter whether it is for the best, most celebs who have gone through divorce, say that it is one of the messiest and heartbreaking decisions one has to take in life. The separation of Bollywood’s once beloved couple, Hrithik Roshan and Sussanne Khan, stunned fans when they officially divorced in 2014 after 13 years of marriage. For years, the reason behind their split remained a mystery, with both parties choosing to keep silent about it.
However, in a 2016 interview, Sussanne finally broke her silence and shed some light on their divorce. She revealed that they had reached a point in their lives where she felt it was better for them not to be together anymore. Sussanne emphasized the importance of being aware and not staying in a false relationship.
Despite their divorce, Sussanne made it clear that they remained close friends. Hrithik and Sussanne share two children together, named Hrehaan and Hridhaan. Despite their separation, they maintain a strong commitment to co-parenting their children. Sussanne emphasized the importance of putting their differences aside and focusing on their children’s well-being. Staying true to their words, Hrithik and Sussanne have constantly worked on reaching a place where there is no bitterness or anger – this resulted in staying together during the pandemic, and attending all family gatherings as one cohesive unit. Not only that, the duo are even friendly with each other’s current partners, that is Saba Azad (dating Hrithik), and Arslan Goni (dating Sussanne), displaying an innate sense of maturity, wishing nothing but best for their former partners.
How do couples navigate that equation?
Prachi Saxena, Trauma Focused Relationship Therapist, throws some light on why couples chose to remain friends after breakup and how it defines their future equation. She says, “To navigate this, first the goals of the future have to be clarified for both partners. Are there kids for whose sake you have to stay in touch and maintain connection? Do you want to let bygones be bygones and become friends as you move on in your respective lives? Or do you want to make an amicable clean break where you completely disconnect after a goodbye with no animosity? The goals will determine the actions. But the one thing that will remain common in all scenarios is to mentally reframe the equation. You’re no longer husband and wife. You’re either co-parents, friends, or new strangers. Therefore, one has to be careful to not bring in the baggage of previous emotions into this new equation. This new equation will have new boundaries, new rules of engagement and new scope of operation. As long as couples can create clarity in this aspect of creating a new relationship, they can always navigate this without heartache.”
Couples grow apart, and that it is okay
Actor Arjun Rampal, who got married to former model Mehr Jessia in 1998 and divorced in 2019, says that one should refrain from marrying young. Speaking on The Ranveer Show, Arjun said he got married to Mehr too soon. “I got married when I was 24, and I think it is too early; you’re too young, and there’s a lot to learn and experience. You have to become mature. Guys mature far slower than women do. It’s a proven fact that we are idiots. If you want to be successful in it (marriage), wait it out,” Arjun said.
The Om Shanti Om actor said that though he has seen men being married to their childhood sweethearts and their relationships being successful, he feels those are just “miracles.”
Recalling the phase of his life when he was undergoing a divorce from Mehr, with whom he has two daughters, Mahikaa and Myra, Arjun said, “It’s very difficult; it is not easy on anyone, and it’s the most difficult on children.” The actor also mentioned that it might feel like freedom in the beginning, but it eventually starts to feel “uneasy and lonely.” He said, “You start to miss home.”
“I had come from a broken home when I was young, and for me to not have succeeded in marriage was something which I really had to look back upon and see how did this go wrong and how did I not see… then I realised why it went wrong and what were the things, and I take responsibility for it,” Arjun shared.
However, the 51-year-old actor mentioned that now he, his girlfriend Gabriella, their two sons, his daughters from the first marriage and former wife Mehr are all “very close and loving towards each other.”
“We will always have each other’s back. You don’t have to live under the same roof or be bound or separated by a piece of paper,” Arjun said.
Are children collateral damage?
During his appearance on Rhea Chakraborty’s podcast with his wife Shibani Dandekar, Farhan Akhtar shed light on the emotional toll his divorce with Adhuna Bhabani took on their children. He said, “I feel tremendously guilty towards them when Aduna and I are divorced because it had nothing to do with them. So they are kind of like collateral damage in some emotional way. “
“It couldn’t have been easy,” he added, revealing the complexities children face when their parent’s relationship, which they viewed as “solid and perfect” later fractured.
During the podcast, Farhan also discussed the nuances of co-parenting and the responsibility he feels towards ensuring their children navigate this change as smoothly as possible.
Talking about how to navigate a divorce with children in the picture, Prachi says, ” Children become collateral damage when they bear the brunt of the emotional discharge from parents. If children are involved (age appropriately) in the divorce process, if they are spoken to in clear terms to be kept in the loop, if their voices are heard and respected, if clear boundaries are communicated, then the damage can be minimised. Remember, children’s nervous systems can sense everything around them whether you express something or not. So if you are anxious, angry or conflicted, they will sense it, even if they won’t understand it. So it is very important to have a space of your own to work through difficult emotions so that they don’t spill over to the children. Children thrive on a sense of safety and security. They get traumatised when a lot of unpredictable things happen that they can’t control. So do your best to make everything predictable, known and safe for them so that they don’t have to engage in anxious guesswork.”
Divorce no longer a taboo
Malaika Arora recently opened up about her divorce with actor Arbaaz Khan. The couple separated 19 years after their marriage. In her recent interaction with Pinkvilla, Malaika got candid about getting married at 25, even though she did not face any pressure from her family. The Moving In With Malaika star said, “Not that I have grown up in a background where I was told ‘Oh you have to get married at this age’. I was told to live my life, go out enjoy, meet more people, and have more relationships, I was told all of that. Yet, I don’t know what got into my head, I said by 22-23 I want to get married. No one forced me but it was what I needed to do right now because it was the best option I had at that moment.”
Talking about deciding to part ways with Arbaaz Khan, Malaika Arora said, “When I decided to get divorced, I don’t think there were too many women in the industry getting divorced and moving on. I felt, for me, for my personal growth, my choice, I had to feel okay within if I had to make my kid happy and make my kid flourish in his space. So, that’s what I did.”
Keeping the friendship in tact
A couple of years back when Malaika was unwell and was rolled into the OT, one of the first few people she met when she regained consciousness was her former husband. Not only that, when Malaika lost her father last year, her former husband was one of the first few people to visit her house, along with other members of the Khan family. This apart, Arjun Kapoor, whom Malaika had been dating since a long time and had recently broken up too, rushed to be with her, later on admitting that it was the right thing to do.
How do couples let go of feelings of anger
Prachi says, “This can only be achieved through self work. Therapy is the best modality to accomplish this because it provides a safe, non-biased space to work through residual emotions, through the aftermath of divorce, through the fears and apprehensions of the life ahead, and healing old wounds that led to your part in the dynamics of the ex-relationship. To be able to let go of anger and resentment, you will have to gain an aerial view of everything that happened, and a therapy space can provide exactly that.”
Children remain priority
Years after Sussanne and Hrithik divorced, there were talks of them patching up, owing to being spotted together often. However, Sussanne cleared the air once and for all, when she said that there will never be any reconciliation with Hrithik. However, their kids remain their first priority. Talking about how couples can co-parent better, Prachi says, ” A lot of these ex-couples have built new lives with new partners and have redefined how they engage with the ex-partner as only a co-parent. This creates very clear boundaries for the children as well who don’t feel confused about the parents’ feelings for each other and don’t get mixed up as far as parental authority is concerned either.”
Children leading the way
In a recent chat Aamir Khan’s son Junaid opened up on his parent’s separation, and how it affected him. Junaid said that it was very mature of his parents to part ways so that their children don’t have to see them fight. He said during a chat with Vickey Lalwani, “It was good. My parents split up, I think, when I was eight. But they never actually let us feel that. I never saw them fight till I was 19. The first time I saw my parents fight, I was 19. So we never saw them disagree or fight. They always… When it came to us (Junaid and his sister Ira) they were a single unit. So, I think that way they did well. I think it was probably a mature thing to do. I mean two good people aren’t always good together and this way we got, at least I got a childhood with both parents being happy.” On the other hand, even Sara Ali Khan said on Koffee With Karan that her parents (Saif Ali Khan and Amrita Arora) are wonderful people, but separately. Not only that, even though Amrita maintains a dignified distance from Saif, Sara revealed that her mother helped her get ready when her father tied the knot with Kareena Kapoor in 2012.
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